Sickipedia

A giant globe fell on my son's face. He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over. He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes." "What did they look like?" I asked. He said, "Fifty pound notes."

A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer. The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."

The hairdresser pouted, assessed my hair and said in his high-pitched squeal: "Hmm...would you like me to tidy it up around the back?" "No, let's stay here," I replied. "There's no guessing what you might do."

I'm not saying I wanted my wife's funeral finished sharpish, but we skipped the hearse and hired a Hermes driver instead.

If I had a pound for every woman I've slept with... I'd be worth about 50p

Katie Price reveals she padlocks the fridge to try and stop 29 stone son Harvey from overeating. Perhaps she should've padlocked her vagina to stop herself from overfucking.

My bathroom light just went out. I wonder where it's going.

Guess what my grandmother is getting for Christmas? Lonely.

What are the odds that I