Sickipedia

There"s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, "times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she"s going to cut me back to only two times a week - I can"t believe it."At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff"s shoulder and said reassuringly, "you think you"ve got it bad, she"s cut some guys out altogether."

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway. About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp"s hand. Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions. Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp"s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn"t half make my fucking arse sore".

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says "Look Philip, I"m a stamp!"?

So I was having sex the other day and I was starting to get tired so I asked the girl to "Get on top". To which she replied, "You haven't raped many girls before have you?"

Bill comes home from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He runs upstairs only to burst in and find his best mate pumping away with Bills rather ugly wife. He looks at the pair in utter disgust before turning to his friend. "Honestly, Dave," he says. "I have to, but you?"

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

"Black really is slimming on you, you've never looked sexier!" I assured the wife. "Turn the light back on you cunt!" she replied

It was Barry the scouse smackhead's 18th birthday. So his mum and dad put £50 in his nan's purse for him.

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, 'Do you want a blow job?' He said, 'Will it affect me dole money?'