Sickipedia

My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike. My dad was holding me from behind.

Avoid crying when chopping onions by imagining James Corden on fire.

I didn't take it very well when I broke up with my girlfriend so I burned everything that reminded me of her. Like photos, love letters, and her twin sister.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms. Happy Days.

I've just released my own fragrance. But nobody on this bus seems to like it.

I looked out of the window last night and saw a group of people gathered around a bloke who came off his motorbike so I frantically rushed over. "Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor?" One woman screamed "No," I replied. "The cunt was delivering my pizza."

I was in McDonald's earlier but couldn't decide what to have so in the end I decided just to have a kids meal. His mother was furious and told me to bring it back.

Pornhub have decided to go all festive by adding snow to their homepage. Well I'm assuming it's snow.

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it."

With Christmas fast approaching I asked my mother what she wanted. She said. "All I want is a bit of caring and looking after." So I've put her in a nursing home.