Sickipedia

There's a brilliant programme on Channel 4 tonight about doggy-style sex. If you miss it, you can watch it on all 4s.

NOW that's enough.

I hear former Tory party leader William Hague has called for the total decriminalisation of cannabis. What's he been smoking?

I saw on the news today that the Home Office are willing to help any Windrush Generation immigrants who have been threatened with deportation. A spokesperson said "The sooner we get those bastards back on a boat, the better!"

The UK is suffering another weekend of treacherous driving conditions. Especially on the dance floors of Gravesend.

It looks like Donald Trump still wants to build his wall. I also hear on the news that there are 25 000 murders a year in Mexico, he might not need to bother if they carry on at that rate.

Chris Parker, the homeless man who helped victims of the Manchester terror attack and consequently robbed some of them, is to be sentenced. Possibly a custodial sentence. Well, at least he won't be homeless anymore. Every cloud......

I hear there was some intelligence sharing between the US and Russia, which helped foil a terrorist attack in St Petersburg. Putin and Trump seem to be becoming very pally. I'd say they were getting on like a North Korea on fire......er....sorry, house on fire.

I hear there was an attempt on Theresa May's life. For once i'm with the terrorists.

I've got nothing against Harry and Meghan getting married. Kids are gonna look a bit funny though.