Sickipedia

Australian accused of ball tampering. Rolf Harris adamant he has never been to Cape Town. (Oboe)

Politics: Trump has gone way down in my estimations over the rumours of his salacious relationship with South London Grime artist and Jeremy Corbyn fan Stormzy Daniels. Eeeuuuuurggghhhh. How could someone want to sleep with a Corbyn fan? Jesus, you just couldn't make this shit up!!!!! (Oboe)

Responding to claims of widespread anti Semitism in the Labour Party Corbyn said everyone is welcome in our party, regardless of how big their noses are! (Oboe)

What do you buy the multi millionaire Aussie cricket captain who has everything for Easter? Faithfull Handled Hand Bastard Cut Engineers File 300mm (12in) > SKU: FAIFIHB12 > Barcode: 5023969289502 > Availability: In stock.

So cheating Aussie batsman Cam Bancroft goes into B&Q before heading of to SA and says "I'm looking for a file." The assistant says "would you like one of these big bastards over here" to which Cam replies "No I'll take one of those little fuckers over there"

Ferrero Rocher sales plummet due to global ambassador crisis.

The Met office have just issued a yellow rain warning. That must mean it is going to piss it down.

Sky Sports have axed one of their best-known presenters after Natalie Sawyer left the broadcaster after 18 years. Bit harsh. Surely a P45 and a reference would have sufficed.

Easter Sunday Recipe: Take 3 serves of Bernard Manning. Add 1 serve of Jimmy Carr. Pour in 6 serves of Lost Prophets frontman Ian Watkins. Boil for 30 mins then sprinkle with Soham caretaker Ian Huntley. Hey Presto, what have you got? Shitnose NB this dish is very bitter, will repeat on you and make you bilious for weeks to come.

Huge Congratulations to multi millionaire cheeky Geordie chappy Dec McAnt for being able to stand and read the autocue on his own last night. Brave, so brave. You soldiers and policemen on the front line could learn a thing or two from that guy.