Sickipedia

Car salesman - (slaps roof of car) "this bad boy can fit so much spaghetti in it"

I was walking down the street when I found a magic lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie appeared who granted me 3 wishes. Genie - what is your first wish? Me - I wish that all firemen were ugly. Genie - your wish has been granted. What is your second wish? Me - instead of sliding down a pole I want all firemen to climb out of a well when the bell rings. Genie - your wish has been granted. What is your third wish? Me - I want that big ladder on top of all fire trucks to disappear. Genie - what's your fucking problem?

Does farting burn calories?

Vaping is wierd. You leave the pub and walk passed a group of tough looking football fans and they all smell like strawberry muffins.

Do you want to know why I hate vaping? It's because when I leave work I can smell fresh doughnuts or candy floss and I think yummy, going to get myself something good to eat and I walk around the corner and it's only Ray and his smoke cloud of LIES

Why are pizzas round, get delivered in a square box and then eaten as a triangle?

Add a touch of magic to your cold by putting some glitter in your mouth before you sneeze.

I saw an ant crawling on the kitchen floor so I placed a sugar cube in its path and the ant studied the cube then turned around and walked off, no doubt to go and tell its friends where a hearty meal was. I then removed the sugar cube so when it did return with its friends they would all think it was a liar. Get out of that one hee hee

I'm currently helping my son look for his bag of sweets which I ate earlier.

Judge - Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God? Me - No. Judge - (covers microphone and whispers) What do I do now?