Sickipedia

Just had sex with a panda. Serves the coppers right for leaving the petrol cap off.

Imagine being a Muslim. Running over French people, forcing ugly women to wear veils and even marrying a nine year old. Hang on....... Allah Akhbar!

When does one plus one equal three? When you've left your condom at home.

Say what you like about Hitler, the man had ball.

What's small and pink and can't be seen once the trousers are pulled back up? Rolf Harris's browsing history.

My wife thinks I'm boring in bed and I get distracted too easily … Well, I guess I’d better get back to it.

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman asks. Tim says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

I’ve been dating a homeless woman and it’s starting to get serious. She’s asked me to move out with her.