Sickipedia

Mother and young girl sat in a park. The mother seems unhappy and distant (her marriage is slowly failing) the girl starts asking questions. “Mummy do you love daddy ?” No answer “Mummy does daddy love you ?” Again no answer. “Mummy, daddy says you are an alcoholic, what is an alcoholic ?” At this the mother decides to answer the questions. “Darling, you see those two ducks over there, an alcoholic would see four” “But Mummy, there is only one duck there !”

Speed dating. Him “Well hello sexy” Her “Hello” Him “You don’t seem too enthusiastic” Her “Just get on with it” Him “Are you into well hung black men ?” Her “Not since the 1870s” The end.

Just wondering, how long before UK holiday makers are spotted desperately trying to escape across the Channel, from France, in small boats.

“Hello, 08454647, NHS Helpline, how may I help you ?” “My wife has been bitten by a snake” “Sir, can you describe the snake for me, please” “Well, err, it was pale green with a sort of zig zag pattern on it’s back” “Okay sir, that sounds like an adder, Britain’s only dangerous snake, she will need medical treatment, an ambulance will with you shortly, but there is something you can do to help her” “Yes, anything, just tell me” “Sir, you will have to suck out the venom” “What, I can’t do that” “Sir you have to, she might die if your don’t” “...but....if I suck out the venom there will be nothing left !”

Just noticed Weaverdog’s meme about Noah’s Ark. Are we really expected to believe that two penguins travelled upwards of 3000 leagues across ice, sea and desert purely on the word of a man over 500 years old who thought it was going to rain a bit ? Also, being penguins, they would be unlikely to have a need to be rescued from any wet weather !

Tips for being a successful adult. There are none. Don’t become an adult. Stay a child forever Peter Pan was right. Unfortunately, Peter Pan never met Jimmy Saville.

In 1979 a well known politician stood outside number 10 and made these comments. “Where there is harmony may we bring discord. Where there is truth may we bring error. Where there is faith may we bring doubt. And where there is hope may we bring despair. Forty years on and those historic words have finally become government policy, if only she had lived to see a job so well done.

Recent studies by the BMA have been carried out into why women live longer than men. Surveys were carried out to investigate the effect of alcohol, smoking, drug intake (both prescription and illicit), economic circumstances, ethnicity, region of country inhabited. All the information was collated by a supercomputer at the University of Essex and the results provided a damning indictment of modern habits and attitudes. The result showed that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

A divorced father takes his young son to stay with his ex wife for a few days. When he returned to pick the lad up at the end of the week, he asked him if he enjoyed his stay with his mother. The boy went on to tell him about the treats, the visit to the cinema and the seaside, the new trainers and hoodie, but then he complained about the food, how it was cold and bland. “Umm” replies the dad “that’s because she puts her heart and soul into her cooking”.

BBC 2 Tonight at 9pm ‘The Parkinson’s Drug Trial’. I don’t know if it is an actual trial because he was dealing drugs or if it is a reality TV show. If it was the latter don’t forget to vote him guilty. A suitable punishment would be to bang him up for life with the undesirables in HM Frankland prison. Ditto if it is a real drugs trial.