Sickipedia

Deleted Scene

Not really a joke...

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The nation celebrates as long-term unemployed man finally gets a job.

So sweet

I was walking along the harbour wall, no one else around, when I heard the shouts of a guy drowning. None of my business, I didn't want to get involved, I walked on faster. Suddenly I heard the yelps of the puppy he was holding - that changed everything. 'Don't worry, I'm coming', I called out. I got close and shouted 'OK, I'm here now... quick, throw me my new dog'.

Alone at Christmas? Simulate the sensation of licking out your imaginary girlfriend using the following steps: 1. With bare arms, bend your elbow about ninety degrees 2. Repeatedly rub your tongue up and down the crease 3. Slowly add drops of olive oil so you can pretend you have an effective technique Remember to ask 'have you cum yet' every thirty seconds. Pro tip 1: piss on your arm first for the natural aroma Pro tip 2: add some out of date salmon paste for the authentic taste Pro tip 3: smear the whole area in garlic cottage cheese and crushed paracetamol to pretend you’re with a diseased gypsy whore Source: a foul-mouthed spotty kid in class in 1982. Damn, he was funny.

The speed limit in Wales is about to be reduced to 20 MPH for safety. Too many sheep getting run over.

After years of feuding, my nemesis died. He was a guy I hated to my very core. Rather than celebrate and revel in the family’s misery I decided to stand at the edge of the cemetery and observe the ceremony in silence. After all, I can’t take a shit on his grave if I don’t know where it is.

It can always be worse.