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There once was a guy called Dave, Who dug a prostitute out of her grave. She smelled a bit shit, and was missing a tit, but think of the money he saved. Source: the best of the dregs from some crap Facebook group

The speed limit in Wales is about to be reduced to 20 MPH for safety. Too many sheep getting run over.

Breaking news: Man dies in Scotland after car crashes into fallen tree If the dead guy was black, that tree's going to get arrested.

The nation celebrates as long-term unemployed man finally gets a job.

To all my friend on Sickipedia. Hello everyone, just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health! These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends, they just copy and paste some random shit and send it on. So, after all we've been though together this year I want to thank you for your friendship and wish you a happy 2018! You are the best gymnastics group anyone could ask for. Best wishes, Helen

It can always be worse.

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If a pornstar becomes pregnant while on the job, is that considered an industrial accident?

About right.

Alone at Christmas? Simulate the sensation of licking out your imaginary girlfriend using the following steps: 1. With bare arms, bend your elbow about ninety degrees 2. Repeatedly rub your tongue up and down the crease 3. Slowly add drops of olive oil so you can pretend you have an effective technique Remember to ask 'have you cum yet' every thirty seconds. Pro tip 1: piss on your arm first for the natural aroma Pro tip 2: add some out of date salmon paste for the authentic taste Pro tip 3: smear the whole area in garlic cottage cheese and crushed paracetamol to pretend you’re with a diseased gypsy whore Source: a foul-mouthed spotty kid in class in 1982. Damn, he was funny.