Sickipedia

I was looking at a jacket in a shop today and the sales woman asked if I wanted to try it on. So I told her she had nice tits.

*Phone rings at work* Boss: Why don't you answer it? Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone. Boss: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!! Me: 999, what's the emergency?

I now identity as a donkey My pronouns are he/haw

"How much is that doggie in the window?" I asked the Korean butcher.

I'm half Irish and half Jewish. I'm drinking if you're buying.

I went to McDonald's today, I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?" He told me to "Fuck off" then he walked out of the men's toilets.

Who else would like to see a puppet show without the puppets? Let's see a show of hands.

I decided to boycott the creators of Thomas and friends after ignoring my idea for a new character. I thought a new 'female' train that keeps losing her cargo would of helped to keep the show fresh. They never even gave Miss Carriage a chance.

Look, I'm all for colouring books... But dot-to-dot books? That's where I draw the line.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it.