Sickipedia

Chatting to my mate who really loves porn: Me: “Hey, Tom - Watched anything decent recently?” Tom: “Well, I’ve been a bit chesty this week” Me: “Oh dear, sorry to hear the asthma’s playing up again” Tom: “But from Monday it’ll be legs and bums”

Most of the advice I receive about wanking these days turns out to be ‘off the cuff’

So proud to see that young man doing so well in the darts. But a bit puzzled when I heard some members of the the crowd chanting “There’s only one Luke Littler!” as I know several people called Luke who are way smaller than he is.

My Aussie friend has, for many years, been making a point of limiting the number of times he expresses ‘surprise’, ‘disgust’ or ‘dismay’. He therefore now has a reputation for being somewhat economical with the ‘strewth!!’

When I read the dreadful stories of those poor children who have been savagely mauled or killed in recent months it causes me think that the ‘Dangerous Dogs Act’, as it stands, would appear to lack teeth.

Anyone who chooses to do a speed awareness course over just taking the penalty points is a Braverman than I.

Olivia Newton John’s body is now in a freezer. “She got chills - they’re multiplying’”

What was Olivia Newton John’s final hit? Morphine

Heard one of the Lionesses talking about how hard it is to make it in women’s football. Simple answer to that: “If you can’t stand the heat - Get back in the kitchen!”

A bar of soap mysteriously disappeared from the bathroom. I replaced it with another bar of the same brand. This mysteriously disappeared also, then the next day reappeared, then disappeared again! I pondered this mystery and decided that, put in relative terms, it must be a case of ‘Second Cussons twice removed’