Sickipedia

I’m not saying my wife used to be a slag, but before I met her the only thing she ever used for protection during sex was a bus shelter.

The wife was in the kitchen the other morning cooking me bacon & eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for just £3.99

I have every right to call my dad a wanker. I’m a test tube baby from 1981.

Oh the shame, the humiliation... I went to the newsagents to buy an online-porn wanking permit thinking it’d be large enough to enshroud the Daily Mail I bought at the same time.

I don't care for the term 'kidnapping'. I prefer to call it 'surprise adoption'.

On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia. I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

Sean Connery used to sing Otis Redding songs as lullabies to his baby son. The poor lad was ten years old before he realised the dock of the bay wasn’t actually covered in excrement.

I’d lost self-confidence because of put-downs and criticism so I made an appointment with my psychiatrist. He told me not to worry about low self-esteem, saying it’s very common amongst total losers.

I enrolled on a course entitled “Basic Origami for Fuckwits”. You’re probably thinking “Why?” Well, the answer is twofold... I’ll get my coat.

The mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it’s only recently that she’s achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight; 2½lbs including the urn.