Sickipedia

The wife was in the kitchen the other morning cooking me bacon & eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an all-day breakfast for just £3.99

I pray for the health of the Queen every day. I’m not a royalist or anything, but a week off in the middle of a lockdown is the last thing we need.

My mate’s a right fuckwit. I asked him if he’d like to see the forest where Dick Turpin spent much of his time. He said ‘sure would’. I said ‘no, that’s Robin Hood you thick cunt’.

Breaking News — Invictus Games: Canada’s basketball team have been disqualified after testing positive for WD40.

I met this bird on Tinder because her profile said she’d shag anything with a pulse. Turns out she’s vegan and wanted me to arrive with a bowl of lentils.

2018 promises to be quite a year: Changing global weather conditions giving us unprecedented extremes; facing up to the challenges that Brexit may be bringing; and coming to the mind-numbingly depressing realisation that hannah is no longer content to be buried but has now mastered the art of hacking the system to upvote his shit jokes.

It was Quinten’s birthday last week so I invited him to come on a bender. Oooooooooh!

I enrolled on a course entitled “Basic Origami for Fuckwits”. You’re probably thinking “Why?” Well, the answer is twofold... I’ll get my coat.

Pretend you’re Peter Kay by mentioning any peculiarity relating to the 1980s followed by, “What was that all about?”

I caught my wife melting down her wedding ring then re-casting it into the shape of a bullet, so was just wondering if my marriage might need a little bit of attention.