Sickipedia

I woke this morning with a temperature and a hacking cough. I then realised I had a great urge to eat dried strips of beef, make racist comments, speak with a ridiculous accent and lose crucial cricket matches. My worst fears were realised, I have the South African variant!

What do we want? Apathy When do we want it? I don't really care, maybe later today or tomorrow.

What do we want? Jobs delivering parcels for DPD When do we want it? Next Tuesday between 8.00 and 5.30

Is it too early to be thinking about a declaration!

I'd say England's chances of winning the Ashes are about the same as Allegra Stratton's chances of finding another job in PR!

In a humanitarian gesture the Royal Family will be paying for certain American prisoners to have one last treat before their sentences start. Ghislaine Maxwell is having a luxury cruise on her Father's yacht whilst Prince Andrew has a chauffeur driven tour of Paris's tunnels to look forward to.

Will his official title now be The Nonce formerly known as Prince Andrew?

When I was younger I used to think the dream job was working for Club 18 - 30 Holidays, life would be one long party and you would get paid for it. Today's equivalent job must be working for Boris at Number Ten!

When I was younger I used to think the dream job was working for Club 18 - 30 Holidays, life would be one long party and you would get paid for it. Today's equivalent job must be working for Boris at Number Ten!

Prince Andrew says that Virginia Giuffre has 'false memories'. He's lucky, most of my girlfriends had false mammaries.