Sickipedia

As my grandad left the dock someone shouted "you're fuckin goin down" He had the last laugh though as he was a Titanic survivor.

It's a little known fact that during the second world war as the German Enigma machine was being cracked, Alan Turings sister Kay provided the sandwiches, cocktail sausages, drinks and cakes.

My mate said he didn't understand what cloning was. I said that makes two of us.

I met my new neighbours yesterday and couldn't believe how perfectly normal they are. Denzil the dad is black, mum Pat is white and the 4 children, Peter who's gay and his eldest sister Fiona who's a lesbian. Then there's the twins Michael, who has Down Syndrome and Alison that's paraplegic. I asked Denzil what he did for a living. He said, we're in advertising.

Nothing can fuck with your emotions more than when you're told in the doctor's room your Thai wife of 10 years has been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer.

Sale of the cemetery

The owner of the missing million dollar chess piece was asked how he wanted paying "Cheque mate" he replied.

My mate said this French guy just said to him, "baiser si je sais" when he asked for directions and asked me what did it mean. I said, fucked if I know.

A child has won an award for 999 call. My daughter's well pissed off, she's made well over a thousand and won fuck all.

I was near Manchester and I asked where the best place I could get some CH₂O. Apparently From Aldi Hyde