Sickipedia

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason...

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason...

Give an African a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach an African to fish and he will ask you if there are anymore free fish left.

"Give it to me!" my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

Dad called me a cunt because I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts!" I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt.' I suppose she has a point. I should really make an effort to learn her mother's real name...

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him. But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him...

I'm in the middle of a long, messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out. Now all I need to do is talk her into it

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart... It was simple, Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock...