Sickipedia

I've just broken the british record for holding your breath underwater - 8 minutes 42 seconds. It all started when a little girl in the swimming pool shouted "That's him, Daddy, over there!"

Knock knock Who's there? Eddie Howe? Eddie Howe who?

Knock knock Who's there? Eddie Howe Eddie Howe who?

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?” She said, “Sure. How many letters?” I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said... "I think you're supposed to open that first"

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet. It was his life savings.

All the cows at the poker table were smoking a joint You could say there were high stakes then.

Started a new job as a delivery man today When I got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door saying, "Dear Mr delivery man, we're out, please hide in the garage." That was eight hours ago and still nobody's found me...

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick? Goth Brooks

I saw two blind people fighting... and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.