Sickipedia

I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want to have anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him. His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight cunt.

If someone is sleeping, and you hold their iPhoneX up to their face does it unlock? Asking for a friend...

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II. He doesn't talk about it, though.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed. "No," I said, "I'm their coach."

A girl chatted me up the other night. I said "if you knew what people called me at school, you wouldn't want to go out with me." "Don't be silly" she giggled "silly names don't bother me. What did they call you?" "Jon Venables." ~ originally by turbulentwindchime

I have a dog with no legs. I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

So my wife walked into the room while I was having sex with my daughter... I wasn't sure what she was more freaked out by, the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face

Everton should take on the McCanns for the new vacancy… Only lost one in Europe.