Sickipedia

There's an advert on the TV for Vanish that says the worst time to find a stain on your clothes is when you're doing the ironing. Surely, the worst time to find a stain on your clothes is when you've been taken to the criminal forensic lab.

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" "That, son, is the elephant's penis." "Mummy said it was nothing." "Your mother's spoilt, Son!"

An Essex girl and John are playing a game of hide and seek. John counts to ten while the Essex girl hides. After about thirty seconds, John gets a text from the Essex girl saying: “If you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse. If you can’t, I’m in the shed.”

What's the difference between diarrhoea and a turd? You can't gargle with a turd.

Why did the UAE just cancel all the scholarships to UK universities? Because they heard the Muslim Brotherhood was offering a better exchange program — free radicalisation with every lecture, and you still get to keep your passport!

I had my dreams crushed yesterday. It turns out the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a vacancy

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks back into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”

Thank god the "S" on my keyboard at home doesn't work... It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

GALILEO : Great mind! EINSTEIN : Genius mind! NEWTON : Extraordinary mind! BILL GATES : Brilliant mind! ME : Master mind! YOU????never mind