Sickipedia

What's brown, smelly and hangs from the ceiling? Caroline Flack.

Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, Boris Johnson is starting to sound like my fucking girlfriend.

I'm not saying it's hot, but I spent 10 minutes in the garden today and now I'll have to spend the next seven days looking like Simon fucking Weston.

According to reports, Boris Johnson moved into Number 10 with just a suitcase full of clothes and his bike. She also brought a suitcase.

♫ "For the times they are a-changin'" ♫ No, Bob. It's always been illegal to fuck 12-year-olds.

The other day I was masturbating furiously with my eyes closed, and was shocked to find a cup of tea beside me when I'd finished. So all credit to Starbucks for their customer service.

They used to say if you want a nigger for a neighbour, vote Labour. Well, I intend to vote Labour. I'm sick of having to drive 10 miles to see my nearest drug dealer.

Prince Andrew has been accused of using the N-word around Buckingham Palace. For the umpteenth time, Andrew, her name is Megan.

Black people complain that they feel excluded when listening to dead white classical composers like Beethoven. As a white man, I feel exactly the same way with Crimewatch.

BBC One drama Call the Midwife has been widely praised for its portrayal of a newborn baby with a cleft palate. Critics have commended the show for its moving sensitivity, with one saying the scene was “worny of a Nafta”.