Sickipedia

I don’t think the British government should allow Shamima Begum to return to Bethnal Green so she can raise her terrorist child at the expense of the taxpayer. In my eyes, there is only one place for women like her. Wolverhampton.

The other day I read an article in Cycling Weekly magazine asking, “How do you choose the perfect rim depth?” For me, it’s up to the point where I can taste faeces.

According to reports, Joe Biden "will remember" comments about his mental acuity by senior figures in the UK and that he won’t even bother to make a brief visit here the next time he tours Africa.

Snooker stars and former couple Mark Allen and Reanne Evans will face each other for the first time at the British Open today. Their relationship ended acrimoniously in 2008 after Allen unexpectedly attempted a tricky brown.

When Cornflakes were first invented, the manufacturers initially thought the cereal would help discourage people from masturbating. They should have done their market research, as they clearly don’t know what I like to put on my Cornflakes.

If I had to compare my love life to any rom-com it would probably be The Human Centipede.

For the past few months I've been sleeping with a woman, but I have to admit that it has become rather dull and repetitive. Same time, same location, same position. I almost regret becoming a male nurse on a coma ward.

A recent report in the Guardian asked why there are so few gay cyclists on the roads. I doubt they want to sit on a saddle all day anyway, given that they'll already have a sore arse.

The other day I tasted placenta for the first time. That's how strong my cunnilingus game is.

BBC One drama Call the Midwife has been widely praised for its portrayal of a newborn baby with a cleft palate. Critics have commended the show for its moving sensitivity, with one saying the scene was “worny of a Nafta”.