Sickipedia

My mate came up to me today and said "Fuck me your a fat cunt these days aint ya" I replied "Yes mate thats because everytime i shag your missus she makes me a bacon sandwich".

My new football manager said to me, 'Alright son, since its your first game I'm gonna pull you off at half time.' That's great I thought. At my last team we only got oranges.

"Big fish, little fish, cardboard box" I fucking hate doing stock-takes for Birds Eye.....

Elton John goes to a tattooist and says "I want a Rolls Royce tattooed on my cock". "You'd be better off with a Land Rover" replies the tattooist, "it won't get stuck in the shit".

My wife walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?" "Its a red wine sauce I've made." I pointed my finger towards her and said, "Have a taste." She said, "That tastes fucking disgusting." "Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my arse with that one."

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun, I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Ronseal... "Does exactly what it says on the tin" Funny, I can't seem to find where it says ruins your best fucking jeans...

Don’t cry 4-3 Argentina

Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.....

Drugs are for mugs. With the exception of Rohypnol, that's for wine glasses.