Sickipedia

I reckon the band Ocean Colour Scene are behind the disappearance of Dr Michael Mosley. They were from Moseley. Album called Moseley Shoals. Dr Michael Mosley is probably in the ocean now surrounded by shoals. Sounds fishy to me... I'll get me cod...

Just watched the latest Virgin Galactic launch on TV. I noticed two monkeys on the mission to space. Surprised the media didn't pick up on that if I'm honest.

Just watching Police Interceptors on TV. Or "Drive at 140mph, smash into police cars while pissed without insurance with £90,000 worth of cocaine in the boot and all charges were dropped" as I like to call it.

According to the BBC, blood donations are up. I've never donated before, but after a diet of 100% pork lately, I've been inspired to donate on the off chance that a goat shagging muzzrat gets some.

Breaking News: 5 migrants found dead in the channel. It's turning out to be great St George's day so far!

Just opened a pack of Jelly Babies for my kids. Dipped my hand in the bag to have some and one of the black fuckers nicked my watch!

What do Angela Rayner and a Tampax have in common? They are both stuck up cunts.

Went to school with a couple of Scottish lads called Ben Doon & Phil McCavity. Decent chaps, but a lot of gay rumours used to float about. Nod to chum.

Gang of thieves steal 13 portable toilets from Banbury, Oxfordshire. They'll be in deep shit when caught.

Migrants drowned due to the dinghy having it's bottom torn open. The boat should have been christened HMS Barrymore.