Sickipedia

Finding a mask in your pocket is the new equivalent of finding a fiver.

This virus must have hit India hard. I've not had a single phone call in over a month about a car accident I was not involved in.

Wankers outside setting off fireworks in October. My dogs just bolted and knocked the fucking Christmas tree over.

I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just fuck off.

My next door neighbor knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee. I said . . . " Fuck off Dave".

I discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Oh, here we go again, here's two dressed as Policemen.

THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . . "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub" "Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup" "No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today. He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.