Sickipedia

I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today. He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . . "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub" "Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup" "No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

I discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Oh, here we go again, here's two dressed as Policemen.

My next door neighbor knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee, asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee. I said . . . " Fuck off Dave".

Finding a mask in your pocket is the new equivalent of finding a fiver.

This virus must have hit India hard. I've not had a single phone call in over a month about a car accident I was not involved in.

I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just fuck off.

Wankers outside setting off fireworks in October. My dogs just bolted and knocked the fucking Christmas tree over.