Sickipedia

Went to visit my sick friend in hospital yesterday. Found him wanking in the cancer ward.

What's got 8 legs and a big black cunt? The A team.

I love getting a blowjob from the wife. She's terrible at it but the peace and quiet is bliss.

What are John McCain's kids getting for Christmas this year? A smaller Turkey.

There are various environmental and cost cutting initiatives going on in my workplace just now such as recycling stations and only printing documents when needed. Thought I'd do my bit last night by turning off all the appliances before I left. Turns out I'm going to lose my job and face criminal charges. Ah well, I was getting a bit tired of working long hours in the life support unit.

A blind rabbit and a blind skunk are in the woods. The Rabbit says to the Skunk, "All these years I've been blind, I havent got a clue what I am". Skunk says, "Me too, I'll tell you what, I have a feel of you and guess what you are, then you can do the same for me" The Skunk has a feel, and says "You got long ears and a fluffy tail, you must be a Rabbit". Rabbit goes next and says "Well you have wiry hair and you stink, I think you must be a Paki"

BBC News: Dead two-year-old was strangled, cut into pieces before being burned. I thought, whats the fucking point in that, it's already dead?

Top tip: for free blowjobs, order a clip board with bailiff printed on it from eBay, put a suit on and chap a few doors on weekday mornings round your local council estate.

Met my wife at speed dating. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I said.

I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad."