Sickipedia

On a blind date with a girl, we were both a bit nervous, and the silence was a bit awkward. Just making small talk, she asked me, "What's your pet hate then?" "To be honest" I replied, "It doesn't like my finger up its arse."

My heart sank, when I arrived home after work, and that young handsome plumbers van was still sitting in my driveway. Luckily he was just doing my wife, and not some big expensive repair job.

I recently had a near sex experience, My whole wife just flashed before me.

I am against protesting , but I don't know how to show it.

I seen my friend dave, who only has one arm, bless him walking down the street earlier, I said "So where you off too dave? He replied "I am going to change a lightbulb." I burst out laughing and said "that is gonna be a bit awkward mate" "why" he said "I still have the receipt, you ignorant cunt".

40 Scousers die and arrive in heaven at the pearly gates, St peter greets them and says "Sorry we only have 12 places left, You will have to sort it among yourselves who gets in. 5 mins later st peter goes to god and says "I cant believe it, they've gone" God reply's "what all of them? St Peter says "No the Gates!!

Why did the politician cross the road? Dunno, but he claimed £90 expenses for it.

Did you know on the Canary Islands, there is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Islands? Yep, Same thing. Not one canary either.

"Can anyone tell me who robin hoods girlfriend was?" the teacher asks the children in class one morning, Little johnny shouts out "I know, " It was Trudy Glen miss" "No johnny, It was Maid Marion" the teacher reply's, Little Johnny reply's "Then how come", "the song goes, "Robin hood, Robin hood riding Trudy Glen,

Had an appointment with my doctor today, In the waiting room, this bloke, who sitting opposite me asked me why I was there. "I have the worse case of hemorrhoid's ever" I answered. "Oh, he said, "Is that why your sitting on that bean bag"? "Look again" I replied.