Sickipedia

Birch with a bomb Ash with a knife Sycamore that attacks old ladies Walnut that will shag your wife countries

It's only premature ejaculation for her, I'm fine with it.

Went to see Dr John Cooper Clarke last night. He gave us this little gem. Sorry if you've heard it before. Two ugly sisters from Fordham Went for a walk out of boredom on the way back, a s*x maniac Jumped out of the bushes and ignored 'em

Niki Lauder Your driving was fantastic Your face was made of plastic Your return was rather drastic But you still became a winner With less hair than Yul Brynner As thin as Frank Skinner Through all the hurt and tears With little pixie ears You shot through life’s gears Now you stand at heaven’s door About to be burnt once more And into car folklore But just as one last stunt Will you please punch James Hunt I thought he was a cunt And so did you

I can't wait for it to be over, so we can go back to normal. Vote A for the election Vote B for Christmas Vote C for Brexit Vote D for Strictly come dancing Vote E for political correctness The lucky winner will receive two free tickets to last years cup final.

A prohibition on watching legal porn is about to come into affect. This from a conservative party who's members are regularly discovered, suffocated, hung behind a hotel door, with an orange up their arse or being whipped by a dominatrix dressed as a Nazi. I think we can do without the puritanical policing from this particular gang of dysfunctional perverts, thank you. Oh it's a joke site, right. The Northern Irish journalist shot dead. her dying words were, "Feed my cats!" and blocked by the moderator in 3,2,1.......

I'm not saying the staff at B&Q are stupid but I asked one guy a simple question and he was straight on the tannoy. "Can a Matt White come to the checkout please, I have a customer looking for a Matt White..."

After Brexit I suppose we'll have to re-twin all of our towns anew. I suggest we start by twinning Sheffield with London.....and Birmingham.....and Manchester......

I really admire Patrick Swayze's commitment to the craft of acting. as soon as they announced a sequel to Ghost he got right into character. I'm only 10 years too late with this joke. by the way, when are we going to get a statue to that fine, upstanding Jimmy Saville?

When Ray tells us to, "Gamble responsibly", I hope he realizes that's a contradiction in terms.