Sickipedia

Biddy Baxter dead ! News of her funeral arrangements have just been released. She will not have a conventional burial, nor will she be cremated. Instead she will be interred in a time capsule, to be opened in 2099 !

Mars Foods UK Ltd today released a tasty gem in tribute to a well known 60s songstress who knew how to work, rest and PLAY.

Early on Sunday morning, March 30th, the clocks go forward an hour, unfortunately so does the Doomsday clock, which will put it well past midnight…..goodbye, good luck and don’t forget to take at least one can opener with you to your hideaway behind the sofa. See you on the other side…perhaps. NB corned beef and tins of spam do not require a can opener….just a ready supply of finger bandages.

Wayne Rooney has a new job, whatever that is. As part of his interview process he was asked questions about his sex life, in particular his affinity with ladies of the older generation. Rooney admitted he was in demand for that sort of ‘work’. Asked how he coped with the requests for oral stimulation, he replied it was initially slow work but eventually very satisfying for the lucky ladies. When asked for further details he admitted it was often time consuming to chew through the outer crusts, but once through it was simply a matter of allowing the necrotising fluids to drain away before forcing his tongue through the new opening and lapping away to his and her heart’s content. Coleen often complained about his bad breath when he returned home, but he really didn’t give a shit !

The International Committee for the Exploration of the Seas (ICES) has just announced the terrible news that the numbers of cod in the North Sea are so low that cod fishing should be banned next year to prevent extinction of the fish due to the increasingly low numbers available to spawn. Interestingly enough, today is the 70th anniversary of the introduction of fish fingers to the UK markets. It is a well known fact that in order to get a female fish to release her eggs, a male fish has to finger her to orgasm. When male cod are caught, it is customary to remove their fingers for the traditional British delicacy before throwing the fish back into the sea, as a result female fish go unsatisfied and do not release their eggs. Since we, in this country eat 1.5 million fish fingers per day, the projected shortage of cod will mean the end of traditional fish fingers although other species of fish are available? The fingering of the female fish does affect the taste of fish fingers. You have probably noticed the distinct odour of fish as you cut through the breadcrumbs to get to the meat within, the contents of the fish finger also tend to taste a bit fishy. Suggestions to get round this problem such as resorting to eating cod balls in batter have been declined by ICES for similar reasons as no balls means the castrated cod cannot father codlings. Would baby octopus legs or starfish limbs make a good alternative to fish fingers, they would be available in eight or five packs. Enjoy you lunch today, whilst you still can.

Oops !

In order to protect Greenland, the EU is currently considering whether or not to offer Scotland (not currently an EU member state), to Donald Trump for a handful of beans. The UK government is tempted to say yes as they figure it would be a good deal. As a sweetener Northern Ireland might also be thrown into the mix.

ITV, current owners of the Big Brother Franchise today announced they had contracted with the Labour Party to help choose the new deputy leader of the party, candidates to be announced in due course. The candidates will be helicoptered onto the Scottish island of Gruinard for the selection process Kemi Badenoch said she was really looking forward to the bush tucker trials.

Transplant games...I didn't even know plants could be trans....whatever next ?

I hope they have the decency to tidy up before they return to England.