Sickipedia

Well that was a shock.....I went to the local brothel and was greeted with the words every man dreads......."Hello Dad!"

Me and the mrs are into that S&M. She sleeps whilst I masturbate

I've just been to the army recruitment office and asked for service in Iraq or Afghanistan. The recruitment officer said that they are both war zones. Extremely hostile environments where you will be hated. There will be lots of screaming and people trying to kill each other on a daily basis and whatever you do will go unappreciated have you any sort of training for this? Yes sir I replied I live with teenage stepdaughters!

With suicidal thoughts going through my head and razor blades and a bottle of pills front of me and the last remnants of life ebbing from me I reached out and called a friend for support and advice......his word served me well and I recovered....all he said to me was stop watching I'm a celebrity and turn the tele over.....

Two old blokes sitting on a bus and one notices a swelling in his pants "By jove old man I've not had an erection like this since 1945" He says to his pal "1945...the year we won the war and came home to all them beautiful ladies....you poor chap....my last stiffy was 1982" his mate replied. "No 1945. quarter to eight its only just turned ten past now......fucking loving them viagra" Credit " Roy chubby Brown "

I was with a girl last week and she said "NO, DON'T, STOP" As I was shit at punctuation I'm now on a rape charge!

A man walks in to his child's bedroom and said "Johny, son if you carry on playing with yourself you will go blind!" Child replied "Dad you hypocrit I'm your daughter Sandra!"

Theresa May's Brexit deal is clearing parliament quicker than guy fawkes

A few proctologists where having a chat and debating who has seen the UKs biggest arse hole. Well said the first one. I've seen an arse hole 8cm in diameter. That's nothing said the second I've seen an arse hole 15 cm in diameter. The third one said I can beat you guys hands down. I've seen a arsehole that 5ft10in Fuck off said the other two. Where and when have you seen a 5ft10in arsehole. He anwsered This morning on ITV. I watched Jeremy Kyle

Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch poor rover a bone. When she got there the cupboard was bare......cos she's on fkin universal credit