Sickipedia

I've never been a big hit with the ladies, I remember, as a kid playing 'Spin the Bottle'. A girl would spin a bottle and whoever it pointed to when it stopped, the girl could choose to either kiss or pay 50p. By the time I was 16, I owned my own house.........

With the banning of polystyrene, I've now found a chip shop near Reading that serves mini fish on photocopy paper. It's a little Plaice on the A4..........

Unfortunately this years charity Pantomime for the local Paranoid Schizophrenic Society has been cancelled. During the first performance proceedings descended into chaos when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you.......'

In TV they say, 'never work with kids or animals'. Luckily, some people ignored that advice, otherwise half of my porn library wouldn't exist......

I get very frustrated whenever I try travelling by plane. I went to book a flight the other day and the clerk asked, 'How many people will be travelling with you?' I said, 'How the fuck should I know, it's your plane.........' She then said, Window seat or isle?' I asked, 'Or you'll what.......?'

My wife was discussing sex with her mates at one of their 'Get Togethers'. One of them says, 'I nickname my husband 'The Musician' because he has a huge organ' They all laughed. Another pipes up, 'Mine is, 'The Dentist' she laughs, 'He regularly gives me a good drilling' Again, roars of laughter. My Missus says, 'I call him, 'The Postman'. The girls laugh, 'Why, because he's got a big sack?' she was asked. 'No', she said, 'Because he's unreliable, regularly fails to deliver and when he does usually puts it in the wrong box......'

This morning I decided to greet my postman at the door in the nude. Now I'm not sure what shocked him the most, the sight of my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived........

My daughter in law, Becky, fell over drunk last night and bumped her head, so this morning I thought I'd better check she's okay. I text my son, 'How's Becky's head?' I've just received his reply, 'TBH, I've had better.....'

I phoned the local paper and said, 'I'd like to put an item for sale, do you have a classified section?' 'Yes' they replied, 'It costs £1 per inch'. 'Fucking hell' I replied, 'It's a 40 foot ladder........'

I knew I shouldn't of let the Missus book our holiday, she's shit on a computer. We've now got a week exploring the Norfolk B Roads.......