Sickipedia

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I was talking to my mate today and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward this weekend." I replied, "They go forward all the time, you stupid twat."

THIS IS AN ADMIN TEST: DO NOT VOTE ON THIS JOKE.

I've just got first place in a national bullshitting competition. Well, I actually came 12th. To be honest, there wasn't even a competition.

My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking apparent reason.

I was so ugly as a baby that when my mum breastfed me she used to close her eyes and think of other babies.

I've recently set up a new business in India but based my call centers in Newcastle. See how they fucking like it.

My mate says his girlfriend lets him lick strawberry preserve off her clitoris. Jammy cunt.

I ordered a 42" TV last week and I was shocked when it arrived today. I opened the box and out jumped a midget in drag.

I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables so he told me to prove it. So I pushed him off a balcony.