Sickipedia

I've just visited Grimsby and them lazy fuckers fly tip in their own front gardens.

I'd decided not to burn down the Nike factory but then, for some reason, I thought, "Just do it"

I pushed the boat out on my wife's birthday. She should be in the middle of the North Sea by the time the sleeping tablets wear off.

Now's a good time to die if you don't want your family to see just how unpopular you were.

I'm bored of hearing, "When I was a lad....." I told my Thai girlfriend.

Sit your kids on your cars dashboard and drive at 120 mph. Eventually the Police will send you a high quality photo. The points and fines are a lot cheaper than buying school photos.

"Fucking Hell, look at the state of you. How many pints have you had?" "How the fuck would I know, you're the one doing the blood transfusion!" I replied

I was sacked from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic so I destroyed their computers. There's no files on me

Try out hearing aids then grab the saleswoman's tits saying, "Okay, if you insist."

I always blow a whistle when ringing a call centre, just in case they want to use the recording for 'training porpoises'