Sickipedia

Are you unemployed? Are you a young black boy? I may have just the job for you. I need a new mud flap on my car. Applicants must be flexible and willing to travel.

Some sad, sad bastards are letting off fireworks on our street and it's only the middle of October. Our poor dog is getting so frightened that he's having to hide under the Christmas tree.

Rip, Rip

What do you call an Italian beggar? Giovanni Change

My friend is from Chernobyl, and I was speaking with him about the recent show on Sky Atlantic. He said he can count 9 historical inaccuracies on the one hand.

Madonna, speaking about when working with Harvey Weinstein, "he was incredibly sexually flirtatious and forward. He was married at the time and I certainly wasn't interested." Alternative headline, "man tries it on with woman, gets shot down."

At the end of mass, the priest glances down at the collection basket and notices a 100 euro note in it. He's shocked, so he takes to the pulpit and announces "excuse me everybody, I wouldn't normally do this, and I don't mean to embarrass anyone, but someone among you has been exceedingly generous this week. I think it fitting that we should acknowledge this act of kindness, so could whoever donated the 100e please make themselves known to the rest of the congregation." A little gay chap at the back of the church stands up and says "it was me father" The priest says "thank you so much, seeing as the mass is ending, and to honour your generosity, would you like to select 3 hymns." The gay man is delighted, and picks out 3 handsome altar boys and says " I'll have him, him and him please."

So Alexis Sanchez is to appear in his first movie role in a new release called "Mi Amigo Alexis" Hardly his first role, he's been pretending to be a footballer for 18 months.

Hundreds of Muslim worshippers praying during Ramadan have been trapped inside a mosque in London with no escape. The attacker is said to have smeared all the exits with soap.

Hasn't been a 2nd leg thrown away this convincingly in Liverpool since Paul McCartney had a blazing row with Heather Mills just before they divorced