Sickipedia

Having Ofgem responsible to keep utility companies in line is like having the Mccann's babysit for you.

I volunteer at a charity shop at weekends. The bins are out the back. Well one day, my manager was hoovering the floor with an ancient vaccuum cleaner. She stopped after a while and went to serve a customer on the till. As she went to do so, she said to me "Take that old bag out will you?" Anyway long story short but I've got a date with Hilda, 86 next week.

My mate emailed me a luxury fruit cake recipe so I tried it out. Part 1, pour 175g sugar, 175g soft butter, 175g flour into a large mixing bowl. Add 3 medium eggs and stir until mixture is smooth. Part 2, soak the Cranberries in water, make sure they are fully submerged. Sorry folks!

R. I. P DFS sale

I was wanking to porn on the computer when my wife said "You dirty fucking bastard." "Every man does it." I pointed out. "Yes," she rrplied, "but not in the fucking Internet cafe!"

What do you call the president of Russia standing on a giant savoury cracker? Putin on the Ritz

For World Book day, my 10-year-old daughter dressed in a pen costume that had swastika symbols on it. Her teacher called me into class and said, "What's the meaning of this?" "She's a grammar Nazi." I replied.

I was walking my dog in the park when Paul Gascoigne saw my dog. "Awe, he's dead cute," he said, "can I have a stroke?" "Granted!" I said before disappearing back into my lamp.

My wife walked in on me masturbating to porn and screamed "You fucking dirty bastard!" "So What," I said, "every guy does it." "Yes," she replied, "but not in the fucking internet cafe!"

Ken Dead