Sickipedia

Scientists have just announced today that Dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels. So that pushes women down to third place.

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off once."

I've never understood the point in fire blankets. Whose ever been in a fire and thought, "shit, it's a bit chilly in here".

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a sheer drop and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.

Are daytime TV phone-in competitions too easy? A- Yes, B- Lesbians, C- Archbishop Of Canterbury.

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds

The hardest part about starting a new relationship is learning how to fart silently again

Bored? Broke? Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week? Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month? Then get a fucking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastards.

Its not Pancake Day for another 11 months and already the supermarkets are selling flour, eggs and milk. When did it all become so commercialised?