Sickipedia

There was a local family whose daughter was frankly very overweight and unattractive. I remember one day her mom came into school and spoke during assembly explaining that her daughter could no longer stand the bullying and had hanged herself the night before. The whole school was in shocked silence, then one lad shouted out, " fucking hell, it must have been a strong rope."

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.

My wife often reminds me of a star. Cold and stout.

A Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani are on a train. The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of that where I come from." Everyone is impressed. The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from." Again everyone is rather impressed. So the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.

Historians believe Islam to be the first religion in the world. And it makes sense considering the universe was formed by a big bang.

A Muslim's biggest fear: All his goats ran away.

Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis. He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner. One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches." The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?" The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!" As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big. "6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"

I tried to teach my daughter geometry using Doritos, but it didn't help. Now she's fat and shit at maths.

Isn't it amazing when your dying with Flu and feeling like shit, You can still always muster just enough energy for a wank.

"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." ~ Prince Philip