Sickipedia

Last night, Watching Children in need the presenter said "pick up your phone and pledge" I sat there for fucking hours with phone in one hand and tin of polish in other hand wondering what the hell do I do now.

My kids keep on taking the piss out my alzheimers. Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire

Newtons third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction

I just received a phone call from a claims company today. "Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?" "Yes I have actually." I confessed, "It was at work, whilst sat at my desk." "I see..." came the reply, "And did you think about suing the company?" "No, I just went home and changed my underpants."

If the Answer is Cock Robin what is the question? Whats that up my bum Batman?

It's times like these when I'm sat in bed with my computer on my knee when I really wish I'd bought a laptop.

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...' I said 'Look grandad, you just popped round I didn't invite you'

Don't you just hate it when you wake up at three in the morning and think..... ...'Shit i haven't picked the kids up from school'

Difference between ALL genders

I rang up autoglass today regarding a chip on my windscreen, The guy came round and went bloody ballistic! I only asked him if he'd remove the sausage and the gravy as well