Sickipedia

My sense of humour is so dark it picks cotton.

DOMESTIC ABUSE Because a man should not have to repeat himself

I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me £160. I gave him £80, and told him to get the rest from the other asshole!

Wives are funny creatures, they don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then want to kill the woman that does.

My boss called me in to his office today and said "do you know why I called you in here?" I said " is it because I accidentally sent you a dick pic" He stopped pouring 2 glasses of wine and said "Accidentally?"

My wife said "You never listen to me, you only hear what you want to hear" I said "Sure I'll have a beer"

How can you tell if it's your turn to do the laundry? 1. Look down your pants. 2. Do you have a penis? 3. Yes, it's not your turn.

Grammar lesson: Lose = Opposite of win Loose = Your mom

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I knew right there and then that I had roofied the wrong glass.

Have you ever heard a crack head say: "I have no money, I'm not going to smoke today". No. They always find a way. Are you gonna let a crack head out hustle you today?