Sickipedia

The president of Haiti has been killed. The assassination happened at 4pm at the Ritz surrounded by little cucumber sandwiches.

My dog just shat on my mate's rug. The bald bastard will have to buy a new one now.

Just watched a very early show of Dragons Den and heard the line: "I haven't been born yet, and for that reason, I'm out." ( Theo the Foetus)

Just saw a joke uploaded about Conor McGregor. I was extremely disappointed that it wasn't in the celebrity deaths category.

Quick question: Does anyone know the speed of light?

My best friend died after being attacked by cannibals at one of England's top public schools, Eton.

I was walking the dog in the sunshine this morning thinking how technology has changed the world for the better. We can now talk to loved ones on the other side of the world, order food and taxis via apps, and have smartwatches that do all kinds of things. The sky really is the limit when it comes to the potential that technology is going to bring us. All these happy thoughts danced through my mind as I slipped my hand inside a plastic bag and picked up my dog's shit.

Guardian and Independent readers are cunts. Self righteous, nauseating, snowflake mummy's boys , surrender monkey cunts. Apologies to cunts who don't read the aforementioned newspapers.

Just read that Keir Starmer's mother has Still's disease. Guess you're stuck with that for life.

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