Sickipedia

They say the best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day....not counting that time i found Leroy balls deep in my missus.

I got fucking sanctioned by the DWP earlier. Apparently my life goal of moving just enough so people don't think I'm dead doesn't meet their job seekers criteria.

At the beginning of every week, without fail, I get punched in the face by complete strangers. I fucking hate my parents for calling me Monday.

I fucked a dirty little slag behind my wife's back last night. Afterwards she grinned "you're gonna regret this in the morning" So I set my alarm for noon.

Sigh, another birthday. I'm not saying I'm old, but my daughter had a right go at me earlier cause the candles cost her more than the fucking cake.

I was bored out my nut after an hour in the doctors waiting room. "Do something to make the time fly then" grumbled an old geriatric. So I threw my watch at her fucking face.

An obese man was called to the doctors. "You are badly out of shape" informed Dr. Gupta. "Lies!" he gasped. "Round is a shape"

My wife was feeling really down in the dumps and was crying. I put my arm around her and said in a soothing voice "Babe, i just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does." That should secure my hole for tonight.

As the crumbs of a delicious pizza bounced off my massive gut, I felt that enough is enough. "I might wake up early tomorrow and do some exercise" I burped to the wife. "And I might win the lottery tomorrow, the odds are the same you fat bastard" she spewed.

I bought a dog after seeing an ad that read "You can trust goodboi to guard your house and family" I thought "let's see if he guards my bacon sandwich for me" Needless to say, I ended up kicking the thieving cunts head in.