Sickipedia

I was listening to 'The Day the Music Died' earlier. Or, 'Adele's new album', as some people like to call it.

I was gutted when my wife told me one of the Golden Girls had died. Then relieved it was some old bitch, and not the star of my favourite porno 'Piss Party 5'.

Dry January is going well so far. These new incontinence pants are working a treat.

My 18 year old son approached me today and accused me of ruining his life. Cheeky bastard, how could I? I wasn't even there.

I asked the librarian if she could tell me where the books on the clitoris were. She said they're in the 'V' section, hidden behind a pair of curtains.

I was having a crap and realised that as it plopped into the bowl, the first turd curled round to form a 'P' and the other two droppings looked like two 'Os'. Sometimes this shit just writes itself.

The girl who made a fortune selling her farts in jars has had to quit as her flatulent causing diet was giving her digestive problems. Just wait until her fans get wind of this.

After my wife's hysterectomy I thought I'd be thoughtful and make her breakfast in bed, but she called me an 'Inconsiderate bastard!' If she's going to be like that she can make her own scrambled eggs.

A tranny has won the 'Best Actress' award at this year's Golden Globes. And the underwear that kept her cock and balls in place has won 'Best Support'.

My wife refers to her dildo as Quorn. Because it's a meat substitute.