Sickipedia

Just broke down on the way home, and was looking at the engine when a jaguar pulled up. I said "you know anything about cars mate?" He said in a posh voice "no.... im a chiropodist" I said "well you can give me a fucking toe then"

Justin Bieber has told his fans he's just like them. I assume he means irritating little fucking cunts, couldn't agree more.

I remember meeting my ex wife's dad for the fist time and him asking me what I do. "your daughter up the arse" wasn't the right answer.

Customer Service Announcement Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

My Wife dressed up as a police woman the other night. She giggled "I'm arresting you for being good in bed" After two minutes She said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off. "You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Sex is like a restaurant… Sometimes you get good service. Sometimes you get bad services. Sometimes you get no service. But sometimes you should be happy with self-service.

I took a date to Stonehenge once. Very disappointing. Just a huge unsightly monstrosity. Tell what Stonehenge wasn't much better.

ITN reports that petrol stations are going to start playing porn movies at the pump it's so you can see someone else getting fucked at the same time as you.

The last time i was in America I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm. Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure.