Sickipedia

Dear Deirdre, When I was 16 and got an erection, I could not bend my cock with both hands! I'm now 73 and can bend it with one, does this mean I'm getting stronger?

I opened my front door this morning to find my neighbour Abdul lying face down in the snow with a kitchen knife stuck in his back. I ran back in the house and shouted to my wife "quick, come and see what's happened!" "What is it?" She asked. I replied "you'll not believe this, it's been fucking snowing!"

I almost mistook the Pope mobile for an ice-cream van today. I only realised my error when I saw that It said 'I WOULDN'T MIND THAT CHILD' written on the back.

I've heard that supermarkets secretly waft the smell of their bakery around the store to encourage you to buy bread. I can only come to the conclusion that my local paki shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.

The post office have issued a new stamp with the picture of a paki on it to commemorate ethnic awareness week. Unfortunately this has confused the British public as they are now unsure as to which side to spit on.

Two interesting facts about me. 1, My dick is the same length as two Argos pens. 2, I'm banned from Argos.

I got up for a piss in the night and noticed a Paki sneaking around in next doors garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and twatted him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him. Astonished I got back into bed. My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied, " that cunt next door has still got my fucking shovel!!"

Dave is a taxi driver who like to run over Pakis and hear the thud. One day he picks up a little old lady. He's driving along with her riding in the back when a Paki runs out in front of him. Remembering his fare, Dave swerves and misses the Paki but still hears a thud. Confused but polite, Dave turns to the little old lady and says "sorry love, I almost hit that Paki" to which she replies , "Don't worry son, I got the cunt with the door"

I sent a couple of pictures of my wife in to a new programme on channel 4. They sent them back to me, pointing out that the programme was actually called 'Fact Hunt'

I was sitting on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers and the wife said "You spoil those dogs."