Sickipedia

Since this storm started my wife hasn’t stopped looking through the window.....if it gets any worse I will have to let her in

I'm not saying it's hot, but I spent 10 minutes in the garden today and now I'll have to spend the next seven days looking like Simon fucking Weston.

Amazon's delivery service is amazing. I ordered a trampoline earlier today, and within 10 minutes they'd delivered it to my back garden.

In England we drive on the left. In Germany they drive on what's left.

WARNING: Storm Hannah will be arriving in the UK later today. Everyone please make sure your jokes are tightly secured.

An entire village near Doncaster has been evacuated due to flooding. "We just didn't see it coming" said the residents of Fishlake.

A Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped: "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”

Storm Malik to cause damage across the UK this weekend. Leaving a trail of sexually abused girls, unpaid tax bills, anti western terrorist activities, mutilated vagina's and uneaten bacon sandwiches. You've been warned

I was going to join in the march against climate change. Then I thought, "Fuck it, it's too hot."

There are a million African immigrants living in Germany. On the bright side, their kids won't have to walk 6 miles every day for water.