Sickipedia

Pete Hegseth promised there would be 'no more woke at the Pentagon', and he's kept his word. He had a skinful at lunchtime and passed out at his desk.

'I am two years sober today!' 'Well, I am two days sober this year.'

I hate seeing these drunks on the street with their cans of extra strong beer. They should pour it into a McDonald's cup like I do.

Just saw a kid in school uniform coming out of McDonald's. I said "What kind of kid eats McDonald's for breakfast?" He said "What kind of cunt drinks cider for breakfast?" Touché, niglet.

As a kid I was a secret lemonade drinker. As an adult I'm a secret daytime drinker.

I've noticed virtually every Wetherspoons these days is wheelchair accessible which is very inclusive and thoughtful. It means the chav mums can bring the prams in while they piss away all their child benefits.

They say if you're a heavy drinker you should try alternating your drinks and it really works. I've been alternating between pints of lager and cider since 10am and now I'm fucking plastered.

Major disruption caused to busy railway line by a drunk driver. He must've fallen off the wagon.

That so-called 'anti-freeze' is a complete rip-off. My uncle used to drink it all the time, and he was still found frozen solid on his neighbour's doorstep one winter morning.

When doing dry January it's important to find ways to replace alcohol in your life. For example, I've replaced drinking with severe boredom, crippling depression and existential dread.