Sickipedia

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How"s the second-hand pussy? "Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, its like brand new.

A young bloke drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?" "What! Are you crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick," he assures his girlfriend. "No! Someone might see us..." "It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." "No! I said no!" "Darling... don't be like that." Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the prat himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the fucking intercom."

Just got my results from E-Harmony.. They matched me with a computer chair and a tub of lotion.

I joined a Dating website the other day, they asked me what i was interested in,so i wrote, 'Page 3 girls, I think they're really sexy'. I wondered why i hadn't had any responses until i realised the letter 'P' on my keyboard wasn't working......

My son came in the other day and asked me what love juice is. I thought I'd try and put it as delicately as possible. "Well son love juice is to do with sex, you must know a bit from school? Anyway when you're with a girl and your having a kiss and a cuddle and you touch the old breasts you get a woody, but you call it a hard on when you're an adult. Now girls they don't get a hard on they have a form of lubrication for the penis. What you do is play with the little beak on the vagina for a bit and when its lubricated you put your fingers in and you can hear it a bit like when mum is mixing up an omelette, you can see it too glistening and on your fingers like little heartstrings, like sticky mirrors. Now the vagina is ready to accept the penis and then get the sperm to the uterus and then make a baby, that my son is what love juice is. But tell me son what have you been watching?" "Tennis"

My neighbour is getting back into the dating scene. They've been divorced for nearly 3 years now. 50, beer belly, going bald. I don't rate her chances

I used to date a girl called Polly Graph. It didn't work out though, She was constantly accusing me of lying.

Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning looking girl. Paddy smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. Paddy says ' have you farted as well?'

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll post photos of each one on his dating profile

Happy Eid Mubarak to all my Muslim friends. Oh hang on a minute, I haven't got any. Whew, that was fucking close.