Sickipedia

Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

I've gotten into alternative medicine lately and am advertising enemas for only £30. A girl commented 'I'm not giving you £30 to clean out my ass' I wrote back 'no I mean I'll pay you £30'

Wayne Rooney has a new job, whatever that is. As part of his interview process he was asked questions about his sex life, in particular his affinity with ladies of the older generation. Rooney admitted he was in demand for that sort of ‘work’. Asked how he coped with the requests for oral stimulation, he replied it was initially slow work but eventually very satisfying for the lucky ladies. When asked for further details he admitted it was often time consuming to chew through the outer crusts, but once through it was simply a matter of allowing the necrotising fluids to drain away before forcing his tongue through the new opening and lapping away to his and her heart’s content. Coleen often complained about his bad breath when he returned home, but he really didn’t give a shit !

Watched a gay rimming video supposedly inspired by Shakespeare. Romeo and stool he ate.

Out drinking, my mate told me about "Vabbing". Where young women touch themselves, then dab the aroma on their neck, so the Pheromones arouse guys around them. After a couple more drinks, I thought I'd try it, see if it works for us men. Not really. I looked like I was wearing a Dairylea ruff.

The top Starmer aide forced to resign, made jokes about going down on Diane Abbott. There are some things you don't even joke about.

What do Wayne Rooney and John Lennon have in common? "Damn it I'm never going to make it to '81!" They were often heard muttering...

I was telling a priest about the sad state of our world. "For example," I began, "the rate of child prostitution is far too high." The priest said, "Oh yes, if only it was cheaper."

Doctor doctor I keep getting an erection while having a shit That's perfectly normal due to the bloodflow and stimulation of your prostate. When did this last happen? This morning on a rent boy's chest

My wife rang me. I said, "I don't get a fucking minutes piece. I'm right in the middle of having a shit." She said, "Sorry, how was I supposed to know you're on the toilet?" I said, "I'm not, I'm in the bath."