Sickipedia

I had Champagne and Chardonnay last night. They were two chav girls I met in the pub.

Before proposing to my chav girlfriend, I asked her dad for permission. "Sir, I want to marry your daughter." "Can you support a family?" "Yes, sir." "Good. There's nine of us."

I've just seen a story that doctors have delivered the first successful birth of a baby from a brain-dead mother. Nonsense, this has happened hundreds of times on the council estate near where I live.

Since my chav girlfriend got pregnant, it's now costing me a fortune. She's drinking and smoking for two now.

The Jeremy Kyle Show may be facing the axe, after one of its participants committed suicide. Fuck me, why pull the plug just as society is starting to reap the benefits?

I don't think I'll be going back to the cinema when lockdown ends. I have a big-screen telly with surround sound at home. To complete the effect, I stick chewing gum to the carpet and invite the local chavs round to talk all through the film and throw popcorn at me.

Queen Chav Stacey Dooley is at the centre of the "white saviour" row, after she tweeted pictures of herself helping out in Africa for comic relief. Our middle class and black people alike are complaining saying "she is perpetuating the white saviour image". I think it's coz they dont like the idea of sending "chavs to the chav nots".

BBC News : "Thousands of depression cases 'linked to universal credit'" Me included, I can't stand funding the lazy bastards.

An ally of Vladimir Putin says Russian missiles can 'destroy British civilisation'. No need mate, Rupert Murdoch and Margaret Thatcher beat you to it years ago.

Dear civilised people: Thanks for being considerate and not taking your baby into a restaurant/cafe and allowing it to scream and ruin everyone's time in there. Dear chavs: FUCK YOU!